Opening the door to: TA
Transactional Analysis (TA) is what it says on the tin. Analysing transactions, or communications. There are books and websites galore that will explain this in better and more detail. This post is intended to only offer enough for the layperson to get enough understanding to help them improve their own relationships, whether that be at work or at home or as part of a wider family or socially.
Basic principle: as individual humans we operate at any one time from one of three different bases. It doesn’t matter your sex, gender, age, sexual orientation, status in society, ethnicity, religion, gender role in a relationship. However, I will make a note about culture to say that in some cultures certain types of communication between people from different social strata, male/female, adult/child, boss/staff. The TA responses can still be seen and recognised but changing them is going to be far less likely and even, for the stability of that culture, possibly not even appropriate. What is being described here is therefore ways in which TA can be more easily analysed and changed in a more Westernised society.
Styles of Transaction
ADULT – we communicate to others on an adult to adult basis; we receive communications from others with an adult oriented mindset – we are adults and we expect to be treated as adults
PARENT – we communicate to others on the basis we are the ‘parent’, the responsible one who knows best, we expect others to communicate to us in a way that recognises this – PARENTS can be both critical and nurturing
CHILD – we tend to communicate to others from the perspective of a child – CHILD responses tend to be spontaneous or compliant
Within those descriptions there are a vast array of variations. But if you peel back the layers you will sooner or later come back to one of the above descriptions.
Transaction locations
There are three basic locations for our communications: WORK, HOME and FAMILY, SOCIALLY.
WORK – it would be nice to think that at work we are all behaving as adults, but that’s not always the case
HOME and FAMILY – this can include extended family, actual parent/child relationships as well as couple relationships – the extent of the family we relate to will be dependent to some extent our own sub-culture within our wider culture – it is in these environments we tend to develop our most complex interactions
SOCIALLY – the people we choose to spend time with, friends – again, it would be nice to think that in these situations we are mostly behaving and communicating adult to adult but that may not necessarily be the case
The easiest way to get to grips with this is to look at real life scenarios. The least complex of these are most likely to be at work.
AT WORK
You’ve got a lot of work on and your boss or supervisor dumps a pile of files on your desk, or sends you an email, with an urgent request to get something sorted by the end of the day. Panic rises in you as you know you have barely enough time to complete what’s on your desk already and you rush into the boss’s office whining that it can’t be done. You are responding in your CHILD state expecting your boss to be the PARENT and take the problem away. If your boss responds as a nurturing PARENT they could solve the problem for you by taking the work back or deciding for you which other job to postpone for another day, while you say thank you and go away as the grateful compliant CHILD. This doesn’t do much for your development as an employee and keeps you dependent on others for support and guidance.
Your boss could also respond as a critical PARENT and just tell you to get on with it and get it all done to which you may well go into full on CHILD response with feelings of anger and being upset. You cannot easily direct your anger at your boss but it affects your ability to work and your emotional imbalance caused by poor relationships at work are easily transferred to affecting relationships in other areas of your life, particularly at home.
It is also possible for you to respond to your boss from your own critical PARENT state telling your boss they are unreasonable and demand they take the work back. The boss could respond from the compliant CHILD state and do as they have been told, which long term negatively impacts on any respect their staff may have for them. Or they could object to having their authority challenged and respond from either the critical or nurturing PARENT state in order to try and move you back into a CHILD state (preferably compliant). This is a particularly important option because it illustrates how we can switch between states, even during one interaction.
Alternatively, the truly grounded boss could respond from their own ADULT state, remaining calm and working with you to prioritise your workload, resulting in you both operating in the ADULT state.
Alternatively you could respond to the additional work with your own ADULT state. Take a look at and prioritise the work you have to do based on your knowledge and experience in the job. Then, run it past the boss to confirm they are OK with you deferring one particular piece of work. The chances are they will respond to your ADULT state with their own ADULT state. They may change your recommendation, because they are aware of priorities in the pipeline you are not yet aware of, but your interactions will still be ADULT to ADULT.
The ADULT, CHILD and PARENT emotional states are not respective of boundaries of authority. They are rooted in how we emotionally process our interactions with others. And can changed throughout the day in different circumstances. For example, although teachers in a classroom might be in PARENT state whilst teaching children, they should be able to switch back into ADULT state when dealing with colleagues.
In businesses or organisations where the top tier of management are working from the PARENT state it can lead to less productivity or even failure and collapse of the business. If staff are kept in a CHILD state of fear by a controlling dictatorial management there will be a loss of innovation, nobody will have the confidence to experiment or try something new, or even suggest alternative more efficient ways of working. Professionally qualified and emotionally balanced staff will feel undermined and eventually leave, further reducing the quality of the working environment and likelihood of success.
In one office when the bosses were out the staff were relaxed, chatted but still got on with their work. When the bosses were around everyone was alert and wary, not actually working through fear of criticism, shuffling papers trying to look busy but really just waiting to being told off for some minor misdemeanour (which included asking or helping each other in how to do the job). Everyone had to have their own single office and no-one was allowed into anyone else’s office. Crazy but true story. This was an extreme example of PARENT state management.
SOCIAL
One would think friendships would be on an ADULT to ADULT basis, and generally they are. However there are some dynamics that can see PARENT/CHILD state relationships.
An unhealthy example would be where one person whose own emotional needs lead them to wanting to be in control, taking the PARENT state, striking up a friendship with someone who is vulnerable and prefers to be in a CHILD state (or vice versa).
A healthier example might be where one friend has times of vulnerability due to physical or mental health difficulties. Whilst the normal relationship would be ADULT to ADULT there can be an understanding that when a difficulty is experienced that makes one party vulnerable and in need of support then the other party would take on a PARENT state for as long as necessary, with the relationship reverting to ADULT to ADULT once the immediate crisis is over.
FAMILY and HOME
This is where some of our most complex interactions occur. Whilst the principle of the way the interactions work are broadly the same as for family and home relationships as they are for work and social relationships, there are additional dependencies that can add layers of complications.
For a start, we can’t change our parents, or our siblings, or even our children. And whilst divorce might seem a solution for couple relationships that are not working, we often take our negative experiences and approaches into the next relationship without resolving the issues that troubled the previous relationship. Whilst there is greater pressure for these relationships to ‘work’, so there are underlying fears relating to what happens if they don’t work.
Changing family dynamics is normal as we all age, our health changes, our external relationships change. Some of these are worth looking at under this section.
Family flashpoints
As children reach their teens and adolescence their parenting needs are changing. They need to begin to learn and practice ADULT to ADULT state relationships. But too often parents remain in their PARENT state. The young person continues to respond in a CHILD state but less compliant and more through spontaneous high emotion. The young person also needs a parent who can adopt PARENT state when the young person needs to revert to CHILD as they process new learning and experiences.
Aging adults nearing the end of their lives struggling with the practical daily tasks may take on a more CHILD state in an effort to get their needs met. Adult children may struggle to come to terms with having to PARENT their parents in old age.
Unwelcome signs of aging living in a society obsessed with youth can affect our emotional and mental wellbeing. Children leaving home. Significant changes at work or changes in job. Unemployment. Retirement. All these and more affect our resilience and how we interact with others. As we feel less secure in ourselves and our futures we can try being more controlling leading us into PARENT state handling of relationships.
A diagnosis of a serious life threatening illness such as cancer can make us more prone to moving more towards PARENT or CHILD states where we weren’t before.
The ideal couple relationship would be in ADULT to ADULT state. However, social and family and work pressures, lack of understanding of one another’s needs, personal worries, etc, can all lead to a breakdown in communication. Illustrating this would be the stereotypical “nagging wife” (although it can also be a man who takes this role). When that happens the “nagging” is being done in PARENT state, the more it goes on the more the other partner is likely to respond from their CHILD state.
RECOGNISING THE DIFFERENT STATES
One simple check is how you feel. Are you relaxed, calm and thinking straight, using analytical thinking and objective language free from emotional judgement. Chances are you are in ADULT state.
Are you taking a tone of authority, trying to impose rules or boundaries. Is your language judgmental: you should, you must, you ought, you’re wrong. Are you experiencing anger or frustration. Is your body language more rigid. Or are you being overly protective or caring when it’s not necessary. Chances are you are in PARENT state.
Are you experiencing strong emotions, including fear and anger as well as excitement or happiness. Are you making silly mistakes because you are acting impulsively. Or are you trying to appease, seek reassurance or validation. You might be acting carefree or compliant or rebellious. Whatever your responses they are being led by your emotions. Chances are you are acting and responding in CHILD state.
Sometimes the clues are small, they are not always very noticeable. However unless addressed early on, unhealthy states can become embedded and harder to change.
FINAL COMMENTS
Whilst it’s normal and OK to switch between ADULT, PARENT and CHILD states at different times and in different relationships, it should be normal that your adult to adult relationships are in ADULT to ADULT states most of the time.
A single conversation can see both parties switch between PARENT and CHILD as they each try to gain control but also find themselves subconsciously responding in the opposite state to how they are being treated. As this these states are about getting our needs met it is rare to see a CHILD to CHILD state exchange, and PARENT to PARENT states are not easily sustained except in argument.
It takes a lot of internal stability to respond from a different state, particularly to be the ADULT and bring someone else out of CHILD or PARENT into an ADULT state.
Some people seem to spend little or no time in ADULT state, always coming from PARENT or CHILD or fluctuating between the two. It is quite likely this is the long term impact of their own childhood experiences and not having learned to work from an ADULT state.
Social Work & Politics 